Diving Cook Is.

5:45am Arrived at Go Dive shop, loaded up the trailer and set off down the M1 to Tweed Heads in N.S.W. Had a fast run and arrived on the river front at 7:00am where we were greeted by pelicans. The sky was blue and the water was very calm and flat as we loaded up the dive boat and set off to the dive site with no spare seats. I wouldn't normally think of diving in this area but today was special because Zoe was taking her first open water dive and was about to qualify as a diver. She was very confident and had no problems setting up her equipment and getting ready to dive. I am very proud of Zoe the way she conducts herself, it shows independence and confidence within and strength of character. I don't think that I could have done this at 14 years of age, so well done that girl. I buddied up with Tod who is the father of a lovely 12 year old girl on the same open water course.

Dive 1:

Bottom time: 50min
Max depth: 14.5m
Temp: 21c

What was supposed to be a simple wall dive, simply wasn't. The visibility was at best 5m and the current was strong in all directions. We set off due east heading into the current and passed mooring lines 3 then 4 and went a little bit further; checked air pressure and turned around when I was at 100 bar followed the wall back whilst heading due west and found the current was very head strong making it difficult to return. We both surfaced and took a rest which made me feel sea sick bobbing up and down. I said to Tod it will be better if we try to find the wall and some depth to which he agreed. 5 mins later he signalled that he was tired and wanted to surface again, when we saw how far the boat was we descended once again to find the wall. Once on the wall the current swept us towards the mainland past the dive boat on mooring 2 where I spotted another mooring line with no.1 tied to it. I felt like I was in a washing machine and didn't enjoy the conditions at all. I was cold, the visibility was poor and the current was tiring to say the least. The dive brief was also poor so we didn't know the dangers, how far to go, when to turn around etc.

OK enough moaning, it's not Go Dives fault that the current was strong and the visibility was poor and I was most impressed at what I saw during the ordeal. Firstly we saw 5 large green turtles, one with a tracking device fitted to it's shell, one small turtle covered in white barnacles, one the size of a table and one with one large barnacle that looked like a volcano on the side of it's shell. There was an abundance of fish to see and interact with. Black trigger fish were friendly for once, saw a large shoal of barracuda, many different species of parrot fish, stone fish, bull ray, clams, sponges everywhere, sea urchins of all sizes and some lovely soft corals with yellow and black stripes. One type of sea urchin was black with bright blue/purple star patterns on the shell. Saw my first wobbegong shark sleeping on a rock and didn't know what it was.

I would like to dive this site again when the visibility is better as there is a lot to see and I'm sure it has a lot more to offer than I found.

Surface interval of 1hr: Couldn't eat or drink, was heaving from the smell of neoprene and the motion of the ocean, I hate small boats and will but sea sickness pills for next time.

We saw three dolphins close to the boat and watched two whales heading south. Whale watching season is almost over for the year so we were lucky to see them.


Dive 2:

Bottom time: 40 min
Bottom depth: 18m
Temp: Uncomfortably cold

Second dive was to head due north for 50m and explore and area called turtle reef or gardens then return to the boat. What a shit brief, just head over there you can't miss it. Well Tod had a compass that he didn't know how to use so I took a bearing from the position of the sun and the lines in the sand to get a sense of direction and down we went. We swam and swam and saw bugger all but rocks and sand, we did however find two turtles and one large wobbegong shark which was cool but other than that we were both cold and didn't enjoy the dive. Tod found three gold balls that got washed from somewhere up the river and he used up all of his air trying to keep warm. That dive was so bad that on the bus ride home I was thinking to myself, I've just bought a new wetsuit, snorkel, mask and fins plus a dive knife and paid for Zoe to qualify as a diver so that we can dive together and here I am feeling sick, tired, disappointed and out of pocket. Is it all worth it? When I get home I have to run a bath and wash everything in fresh water, then rinse in a soap solution and hang out to dry. Give me a big live aboard dive boat any day and keep the day diving for those who can't get time off work.

Samford Skirmish

Saturday 22 August
8:30am I am standing in a line waiting to collect my camouflage overalls and 400 rounds of ammo. The signed piece of paper in my hand that I am about to hand over clearly states that if I get injured during the course of the day then I can't sue the operators of Skirmish. Well, that isn't going to stop me from having some fun is it?
Two mates have their birthdays in the same week and invited about twenty others to join them on this fine sunny day in the middle of winter, and what could be nicer then blue skies and 30c? We had planned to play old v young and get into some serious rivalry however, three bucks parties turned up and umpteen others all with the same mindset, to kill someone.
The briefing was fast and concise with information overload, only the beginners like myself had to listen carefully, now what was that bit he said about giving someone within a 5m radius the opportunity to surrender, I don't think so. And something else about shooting the wildlife, surely there can't be any left this place has been here for years; off we went through the safety tunnel collecting our face mask and weapon into the unknown woods. Our group all collected black helmets as did many other players whilst the remainder collected green helmets, with so many people turning up the group was split into two teams of 65 a side. We had a few practice shots at the multi coloured targets and waited instructions. The first game was to attack and defend a fort, the attackers had to drag a bomb (45 gal drum) up to the perimeter of the fort to win. If attackers got hit they had to go back to the start line before returning to the game, defenders were out of the game if they got hit and had to sit in a group inside the fort. Towards the end of the game one of the nutters on our team stormed the fort and proceeded to shoot the hostages, don't remember anything about that in the briefing.
Game 2:
Two teams and three bases, both teams have to protect their flag and capture the opposing teams flag whilst fighting for possession of the empty base. Between the three bases are two lakes with a series of bridges linking the bases. When you get hit you have to run to a blue barrel and touch it to be back in the game; I twisted my ankle in this game and got shot by one of my own team whilst defending the bridge, this is a fun game and very tiring in the sun.
Game 3:
Similar to game two except the setting is in bushland and there is plenty of room for stalking and surprise attacks. Whilst hiding behind a screen waiting to ambush the other team, the chap next to me said that he wanted to get the man in the dress. Being a bucks day out the poor bugger getting married was dressed in a white nurses uniform with green vertical stripes, he had no protection on his bare legs and to make him more of a target they gave him a yellow helmet and tied two blue helium balloons to his shoulders. I spotted him hiding in the trees and pointed him out to my buddy whereupon he duly got up and ran after him never to be seen again. Getting very tired by now and need a drink.
Game 4:
It is set in a scrap yard of cars, caravans and a system of tunnels, when attackers are hit they return to the tunnel and start again. When defenders are hit they are out of the game, being the last game nobody wants to stop fighting and everyone wants to take back an empty gun.... the game is won when an attacker enters a tunnel and pulls on a rope releasing a smoke bomb. Everyone plays defend and attack during the day which means we played eight games in all. I highly recommend giving it a try, despite the twisted ankle and multiple bruising that I am still nursing.
http://www.skirmishsamford.com/fieldmap.html

Baby Cockie

Whilst pottering in the garden at the weekend, I heard a commotion amongst the Cockies which was unusually loud so off I went to investigate. One of the birds was casually waddling like they do in a pigeon fashion, amongst my citrus orchard. He wasn't very big and couldn't fly or walk properly and probably needed help so I went over to take a closer look. He saw me heading his way and made a mad dash for the boundary fence only to get caught up in it, being young,he was in a bit of a panic and tried to squeeze through the holes with his wings held high. I grabbed hold of his wings and held them down to prevent any injury to them and then remembered that they have beaks so strong that they can crack macadamia nuts open, it looked like the good Samaritan was about to become a victim. The little bugger grabbed my hand and started chewing it, thankfully I realised that he wasn't a threat but there was already enough blood drawn by now to drop him and run to the house for a towel. When I returned to where I last saw him, he was on top of the fence having climbed up using his beak and claws. I threw the towel over him and excitedly knocked on my front door. When the girls opened the door I said 'guess what I have in here?' The first guess was a hare and the second guess was a bird, damn these kids are quick.

The vet assured me that the bird had probably fallen from his nest before his feathers had all grown and asked if the parents were around, I said that they are both flying around squarking in the trees next door which was good as it meant that they hadn't abandoned the bird. The bird moved to a much larger tree and was still there last time I checked.

Gone Fishing

Work was so quiet that I just did the unthinkable and accepted an invitation to go sea fishing with a work colleague. I was so close to saying NO but after some cogitation I reneged on my initial thoughts and decided to try something new. Would you believe that a man of my age has never gone fishing? That's because I have never wanted to. There was one little irk, getting up at 4.00am is not my idea of fun; anyhow, I was parked up at the lighthouse in Cleveland at 6.00am, all set for the big day out. The first site of the day was outside the bay in 35m deep water; the sun was hardly over the horizon when we started fishing. Steve showed me how to tie the weight and hook onto the line, then he put a sardine on the hook for bait. I did the easy part and dropped the line into the water, counted to 10 and got a bite. I reeled in a 45cm long snapper in less time than It takes for me to have a dump. I put on some more bait and dropped the line back into the deep blue water; meanwhile Steve caught a 65cm snapper whilst Wayne couldn't catch a cold.

I have to keep reminding myself that we are in the middle of winter and I am out on the ocean wearing a tee shirt at 7.00am, the sky is blue the wind is calm and I have already caught my dinner.

The wind picked up and the boat started bobbing up and down like a turd in a piss pot. Steve said we should head for the bay as it is sheltered and safer. I reeled in the line and bugger me, there was another snapper on the hook. I was really happy now that I had two meals to take home for on the BBQ.

On the way back to inside the bay Wayne spotted spouts of water coming from whales on the north shore of Stradbroke Is. so we went to investigate. By the time we got to Flat Rock they had disappeared. We anchored up and tried our luck once again, we now had the pleasure of a dolphin keeping us company. Beginners luck for me as I didn't get a catch for the rest of the day, but I wasn't the only one and I didn't feel as bad as Wayne, everything he caught was under legal size and I swear that he caught the same fish three times.

We arrived at the yacht club by 11.00am and had a couple of beers under the Queensland sun, it was 27c, not a cloud in sight and the sound of flying foxes was heard all around us, something was spooking them as they are not normally active during the daylight hours.

After our liquid refreshment we chanced our luck fishing inside the bay, the only luck we had was bad luck, but not as bad as the turtle who copped it from a careless boat.

Steve contacted the Coast Guard who advised us to leave the turtle as it is illegal to take them (unless you are an Aborigine)

We explored the oyster beds on the sand banks at low tide and saw quite a few pelicans throughout the day. I also saw a fish eagle from time to time but no more fish.

I got into the car at 3.00pm and went back to work feeling very relaxed.

HMAS Brisbane

Wednesday 25 June 2008

I've been living in Queensland for 4 years now and haven't participated in my favourite pastime of scuba diving since moving to these shores; that was until yesterday, when I got my shit together and made a real effort to get back into it. Firstly, I have Deb to thank for buying me two dives as part of my birthday present back in January, otherwise I would still be procrastinating about how long it has been since I got narced. The dives were only valid for 6 months and I had forgotten all about them until last week and as I didn't want to waste the opportunity and work was quiet, I decided to go for it.

5.00am Dragged myself out of bed and packed up the essentials.

6.00am left for Mooloolaba on the Sunshine Coast.

7.20am Arrived at the dive shop.

8.30am Loaded up the boat and set off to the dive site.

I took my watch off and had no idea of time after that, but it did take about 30mins to arrive at the drop zone. We got ready to take the plunge into the cold water.

Dive I
43 mins bottom time
Max depth 24 m
Temp 22c

My 5mm wetsuit was a tight fit last time I wore it and now it's so tight that I started to hyperventilate for a while.

The instructor got me to brush up on my skills on the descent line by performing the mask clearing and mask removal test, followed by buddy breathing and reg recovery before starting the dive for real. I got my breathing under control and felt very relaxed as I tagged along with the lovely Cheryl. She took me on a guided tour of the outside of the ship but there wasn't much to see. Maybe I have done too many great dives in the Red Sea on wreck safaris but this ship was only sunk two years ago and it shows. The fish have moved in but there is no colour in barnacles and bi-valves. There isn't any sea weed or hard corals but the visibility was excellent, at least 30m which you would hope for this time of the year. The down side is that good visibility and cold water go together so it's a bit of a hard choice for me as I hate anything cold.

When I ascended from the ship and climbed on board the dive boat it was such a relief to feel the sun on me again. I ripped off my top half and soaked up some cancer rays. The swell of the ocean on such a small boat combined with the smell of neoprene in the back of my throat made me feel all queasy. I had never been sea sick in my life but right then was too close to comfort. Everyone was talking about taking motion sickness pills and telling the German lad not to look down. He felt the same or maybe worse than I but we held our heads up and our stomachs down for the whole one hour surface interval.

Dive No. II
43 mins bottom time
Max depth 25 m
Temp brrrrr

My dive buddy was a 57 year old lady whose husband served on the HMAS Brisbane and she was more than familiar with the layout after almost 20 dives to date. We were put together because we were both good with our air consumption.

Linda had a camera which meant that she was going to go slowly and keep stopping to take photos.

I like buddying up with photographers for this reason alone and she was great to follow around the many rooms.

I heard some divers tales when back on board but couldn't add anything exciting to the tales. My experience was only average but I did see some very large fish and some large shoals in a few of the rooms but nothing to write about. That doesn't mean that I won't do the dive again but it won't be for another few years. Firstly, I need a larger wetsuit and secondly much warmer water.

A Fair Dinkum Aussie

Thursday 8 May 2008

My time has arrived at long last to become an Australian citizen and part of this great country I have chosen to live in for the rest of my life.

So, off I drove to North Lakes with the wife and two kids to attend the Australian Citizenship Ceremony, along with 135 others from within the newly formed Moreton Bay regional council. Pine Rivers Shire, Redland Bay and Caboulture Shire have amalgamated into the second largest council in Australia and all the councillors were there to represent each seat.

Before the proceedings started at 7.00pm, I chatted with a couple from Redland Bay also taking the oath. He was Scottish and his wife was Welsh, they were retired and had lived in N.Z and S.A for the last 15 years but still held onto their strong accents. Danny also needed to hold onto his wig, it did look funny but I managed to keep a straight face whilst listening to his life story. He asked me where I was from and I told him Stafford originally then moved to London where I lived for 15 years. He said that he used to work at Cannock Colliery 20 years ago as an electrician, well can you imagine that? For those of you who don't know, Cannock is 10 mins drive from Stafford, O.K so it's a dump of a place, the houses are build like dominoes and are all subsiding from the many miles of shafts running underneath them, the people talk funny ar kid and Staffordians call them yam yams but it's still good to chat with somebody I have at least one thing in common with.

The Chief Executive called out the names alphabetically of all the people pledging an oath on the bible and they stood up first. I was beginning to think that I was the only heathen in the room as there must have been 120 people standing around me speaking in unison. Pledge 2 was much better, it left out the word God, thank God and I would have proudly stood alone if need be.

The Mayor, Allan Sutherland, handed out the certificates after we had all taken our pledge followed by a free tree handed to us by our local councillor. Mine is Bob Millar, a nice chap who speaks very well and stands tall, he shook my hand and said hello, I said that I can vote for you now that I am a citizen and he said not for another 4 years, that's when the next election will be held. Anyway Bob, I think we need to have a chat about stopping so many foreigners from entering into our country, was what I said. He had a good laugh and gave me a tree to plant. Cya down the pub, I said as I returned to my seat for the end of the ceremony.

We all sang the national anthem and took the oath again.

Zoe and Phoebe has been very well behaved all night despite being hungry, well weren't we all. A room full of people were heading for the tea and cakes in the foyer but I didn't want to eat like that and said let's get something on the way home. It was getting close to 8.45pm and every pub would have taken last orders in the kitchen by 8.30pm, the restaurants open were not going to cater for our girls, I refused to eat at MacDonald or any other junk food drive in fast food chain. We decided to order a pizza and collect it from the village on the way through, they were closed, the fish and chip shop was closed as was anywhere and everywhere in bloody Queensland after dark. Where do all the dope heads go when they get the munchies? The only place open in Samford Village was the Thai take away and the 24hr Caltex. I thought about it and said to Deb, shall we have a great Aussie meal tonight and she agreed for once.

The meat pies were great!

A night to remember.

Love Walk

If a picture paints a thousand words, what does this one say?

No serendipity here, when I saw Love Walk my mind started working overtime, it reminded me of Mincing Lane in EC1 and I wonder how many people walk past this scene every day and don't question the time restrictions in the controlled Zone L (for love), the camera's waiting to capture a knee trembler in the alley after dark already on it's way to the internet at 54.0Mbps and don't forget the phallic road sign indicating that you can only go so deep, I mean far, until you reach a dead end.

And for those into BDSM, willow is used for ass whipping submissive slaves.

Nobody said life was easy, us artists are all troubled deep down but we wouldn't have it any other way.

F***ing Good Wine

Now here's an honest Vintner selling his vino collapso in the old Borough Market in London.

A Posthumous Seat

Whilst walking through Dulwich Park on a lovely sunny day, my photographers eye squinted and saw the potential in this place to rest one's weary feet and feed the ducks, all I simply had to do was change the 'B' to a 'P' in Photoshop..........ha ha ha he he he, who's the prick now *)

The Actor

I received an enquiry from a bloke who wants a quote to build a swimming pool, nothing unusual in itself but he lives in the arsehole of nowhere about 50 klms from my place and I wasn't in the mood to go bush at the drop of a hat so I made out that my diary was so full that the week after next would be the earliest that I could get to him.

We exchanged email and contact details and I waited at home for a week with bugger all to do. When the time came I rang him first to make sure that he was at home and hadn't forgotten our appointment because two weeks ago I got my first 'no show' and was very angry to say the least. Anyway, he was home so I set off on the scenic route via the countryside to miss the traffic jams and school run, don't you just love it when the kids are on holiday and the roads are clear of all those overweight mums taking their offspring to school in the Chelsea tractor, I think kids should start school at 10.00am to stagger the road congestion.

Found the road but the numbers were all mixed up with odds and evens on both sides of the road, rang up my appointment and got the voicemail on his mobile phone so I stopped an old chap walking his dog and quizzed him to confirm if it was me or the town planners that are stupid, well he had about as much savvy as the man on the bloody moon and I detected an English accent which reminded me of the country folk back home, you know what I mean, the light's on but nobody is at home. I did a U turn and found the house quite easily once I looked on the other side of the road.

This middle aged bloke came out to greet me in his old clothes and introduced himself, we shook hands and I followed him into the back yard to look at where he wanted to build a swimming pool. He looked at me and said 'I saw the way you looked at me and I am not rich if that's what you are thinking, just because I am an actor everyone who comes out here thinks that I have lots of money'. Now this took me by surprise because I didn't have a clue who he was and told him so, to which he replied, I'm on McClouds Daughters on T.V and was in the film Wolf Creek. I said don't worry mate, I don't watch soap opera's or go to the movies and I am not an autograph hunter either. Must have upset him slightly because he told me that the show he is in isn't a soap opera but a drama. As far as I'm concerned it's the same shit, different pile so we moved on to talking about his pool.

He told me not to charge him more than $50,000 and then proceeded to tell me that it has to be 15 long lagoon style pool with rocks around the waterline etc. I said that my prices are the same for everyone and actors don't get treated any different from the rest. We talked about the problem with all the trees surrounding the pool and I advised him to cut a lot of them down to let in some light and reduce the amount of leaves from ending up in the water, to which he replied, 'I hate cutting down trees'. I agreed with him truthfully then reminded him that these trees will only grow to drop branches and the roots will get damaged in the excavation which could cause them to die of shock. Better to cut them down and plant some rainforest species in place of the spindly gums, but hey, what the hell does an Englishman know about Australian trees, here stands before me the man who used to host Better Homes and Gardens up until 1996. Sorry mate, I still don't recognise you was living in the UK until 2004 and if you are so good at building houses and timber decks when you aren't acting..........what do you need me for? why don't you build your own pool ( is what I felt like saying but instead I just put the price up in my mind by $2000)

We laughed and joked, exchanged ideas and I quizzed him some more. When he told me that he has had 7 people before me to quote, alarm bells started ringing and I asked him what was wrong with them. He said that they didn't have any vision, couldn't think laterally and were wanting to charge him more because they thought that he could afford it. Time for me to bow out gracefully and warn him that he wants a lot of pool for $50k.

Watch this space......

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0418877/