The Latest Addition To The Family

Today, we just added two more mouths (beaks) to feed. The kids have got Guinea Pigs, the wife has got half a dozen chooks and I have got umpteen fish in my aquarium and fish pond, but you can't hold fish...

The girls went and picked two ducklings which were supposed to be for me but kids being kids they wanted to name them and claim them. They are real cute and deserve proper names but my youngest daughter insisted on calling my lovely duck 'Quackers'. Now don't get me wrong, it's not a bad name but it has been used before and certainly lacks originality. I suggested that we call them Salt and Pepper because of their colour (the yellow one will grow up to be white and the other one will be brown), so now we have Quackers and Pepper which doesn't sound right to me.

The dog loves them and can't stop staring at them, he puts his nose an inch from their beaks and dribbles all the time, he is one strange dog but in his mind he is guarding them from danger and neither jealous or posessive.

Give This Man A Real Job

Picture the scene....

....You are walking down the street in Camberwell, minding your own business at 10.00am on a February morning..........suddenly a bizarre image confronts you in the front window of the local gallery. Sitting in a bath tub full of baked beans, with a pound of sausages on top of his head and a couple of real thick cut chips up his nose is Mark McGowan; obviously another troubled artist who can't get a real job and conform to what society expects from us. Is this live installation really going to pay the bills and feed the kids!!!
What surprised me more than anything was the shit that came out of this guys mouth as I interivewed him with my camera. His protest was about the great british breakfast and it's decline. I say fuck off the fat and get fit, don't just sit there whingeing in a silent protest besides it's only half a breakfast innit? You know what I mean like? Where are the eggs, bacon, fried bread and black pudding? Surely a working class artist/man knows that a breakfast is more than just sausage, chips and beans!!!

Anyway, I took some great photos of him with my Mamiya RZ67 and went back to the gallery 3 times to give him a copy. Each time I went there he was not there, he didn't finish his sit in protest like he promised and gave some lame excuse about being cold and sick, well what do you expect in Feb? He should be living in Queensland like me if he can't stand the cold and not sitting on his fat arse whingeing for a living.

http://clublet.com/c/c/house?page=MarkMcGowanInterview

A True Angel

My fish has been behaving rather strange these last few weeks swimming on her side and upside down. Today she finally sank to the bottom of the aquarium and became an Angel in the other sense of the word. Before she got recycled, I immortalised her with my digital camera. The moment she landed on top of the compost heap, I realised that she was still in art form and concsiously tried to capture her personality for the first and last time.

R.I.P under a tree.

All In A Day's Work

Stage 1: The set out

This is where I spray yellow paint all over your back lawn and you ask me to move it ten times so that we get so confused that we end up digging the hole in the wrong place.

Stage 2: The dig

We roll up with a 5 ton digger, scrape off all the yellow paint and find rock. We use mini tippers because they can access dump sites that the big trucks can’t. Problem is that they are only good for doing wheel spins after it’s been raining. It’s always a good idea to have the client remove any trees from within the pool area, unless it is a swamp cypress or paper bark gum as they grow very well in water and would certainly add some interest.



Stage 3: Form the steel cage



Take approx 120 @ 9.0m long steel bars and bend them to fit the big hole that we have just dug. Or ask the excavator operator to drag them uphill for about 20m and you end up with the same thing. Tie them all together and fingers crossed it doesn’t rain before the walls collapse.

Stage 4: Pre plumb the pool




Take a few lengths of class 9 p.v.c pipe and glue half of the joints just to be sure that the leaking salt water takes effect 6 months before the warranty expires on the pool shell. Make sure that the lights are all at different heights so that you get an uneven illumination at night and put the skimmer box in crooked to piss off the tiler and make sure that the return line is where you planned to put the entry step to the pool

Stage 5: The Inspection

We tell the structural engineer to come and inspect the pool the day after we have sprayed the concrete.

Stage 6: Spray the concrete



Order the concrete and pump for a 7.00am start and fingers crossed that they arrive before lunchtime the next day. Chances are that if they do arrive on time then the concrete will be too sloppy, too dry or too lumpy to work with. Ask the Sprayer to put all of the concrete into one corner for a laugh. If he refuses then remind him that he did on the last job and the shell collapsed.



Stage 7: Tile the coping

Order the tiles about one month before you need them and be prepared to be told that the shipment still hasn’t cleared customs. When they do arrive you count them and find that there are twice as many pieces as you ordered although the correct number were dispatched. Ring the supplier and tell them that two halves do not equal one whole.

Stage 8: Install pool equipment

The plumber said that he would be there today, what he should have said was ‘one day’.
The concrete slab is only big enough for the sand filter and there’s no room for the pumps.

Stage 9: Install the pool fence

Big fuckin’ headache getting this stuff certified, I always try to get the client to do their own and tell them that they can save some money. It’s a great way to stall finishing the pool on time and you tell them that they are holding YOU up.

Stage 10: Certifiers Inspection

This is when the Certifier tells us that the boundary fence isn’t high enough, the pool fence is too close to the water, there isn’t enough area for resuscitation, the fence isn’t splash proof, the vertical timbers are too far apart, the horizontal timbers are too close together and he doesn’t care who gets sued so long as it isn’t him.

Stage 11: Pool interior



If it’s Quartzon you choose then expect calcium deposits to make it look blotchy and dull. If you decide to go with pebblecrete then don’t complain when you get cuts and scratches.
If you fully tile your pool then don’t whinge that you can’t afford a holiday for the next 10 years.



Stage 12: Fill the pool

Choice of two ways to fill your pool; either put a hose pipe in for a couple of days or get water trucks to carry it in but whatever you do, don’t turn off the tap at night because it is noisy like the owner of this pool did…………..he now has a lovely plimsole line half way up the wall.

Stage 13: Get Wet and have fun

Stage 14: Maintenance

Pretend that you’re back at school in the chemistry class, you’re learning all about pH control, salinity, phosphorous and trace element content, chlorine sanitisation, cyanuric acid, sodium bicarbonate, and how to manually brush a pool.

Solar Powered

You only have to mention the word 'rain' and they come to a grinding halt.

At 6.00am I got a call from Rick who I am paying to dig a fuckin' big hole today and the conversation goes something like this.

Rick: 'What's the weather like where you are?'

Me: 'Dry'

Rick: 'It's been raining all week and I don't know if I can dig in this weather, it was dry yesterday morning at this time and we ended up having showers on and off all day'

Me: Well, I'm up for it if you are'

Rick: 'How steep is the access to the site?'

Me: 'Steep'

Rick: 'We might have a problem driving onto the site if it is wet and we can't dump the soil in this weather because the mini tippers can't get up the hill in the wet'

Bla bla bla bla....................

this conversation went on for ten minutes and I am looking at blue skies and thinking to myself, why don't you just give it a try and if you can't do the job, go home.

Fact: It has been raining all week

Another fact: Today it isn't

I know, lets get up early and make up an excuse to stay at home and earn no money, or we could go back to one of the 5 jobs that we have half finished this week and move some soil.

No, I like the sound of the first option.

If you miss your slot for digging then you get put back for one week, so my pool will get dug next week instead. Oh, by the way I forgot to mention, I have sold 4 pools this week and arranged for Rick to dig one every Friday for the next month. Roughly translated into pool builder's terms, it means that every pool gets pushed back one week. I don't let one person down but everyone in the chain. As I am selling more pools, I need a contingency plan and find someone else to dig for me.

Rick makes one phone call to cancel and I have to ring Mesh & Bar who are delivering the steel to cancel, the plumbing supplies to cancel and the boxer and steeler to let him know that I don't need him on monday then ring the client to give her an update. When Rick tells me that he can dig my pool I have to make another half a dozen calls out of necessity to get back on track.

This doesn't happen when it is sunny so I have come to the conclusion that Queenslanders are solar powered and can't cope with rain.

They have a lot to learn from the motherland.

The Haircut

Today, I went to get the hair cut (as they would say in Ireland) Why is today so different from any other haircut day? Well let me tell you. Everything started out as usual, make an appointment, turn up on time, wait for ages, then get asked to go and get your hair washed at the sink. Only thing that was different today was the junior who drew the short straw and got the lovely job of washing the hair of every total stranger who came in the salon. Does this dialogue ring a bell; 'Hello sir, is the water warm enough' no it's fucking freezing. Don't know why they ask you because by the time the girl has got halfway through washing your hair it's too hot. Then after you've had the shampoo, 'would you like conditioner sir?' to which I replied 'does my hair need it?'
She said 'only on the ends'
I said 'don't bother then, I am going to get them cut off in in a minute'

She doesn't even smile, meanwhile, I am splitting my sides laughing to myself and my mind starts wandering......

......when I was working for the local council years ago, I decided one day to go to the barber and get my hair cut. It was just after lunchtime when I sat in the chair and told the barber how short I wanted it cut. I looked around the salon and bugger me, there was the Chief Executive of Stafford Borough Council sitting in the chair next to me. I nodded to him and he nodded back as we knew each other, then he had the audacity to ask me what I was doing in the barbers shop in the middle of the afternoon. I told him that I was getting my hair cut and he said I can see that but you are getting it cut in work's time. I thought, that's a bit rich coming from you mate as we are both in work's time so I said that it grows in work's time so I am getting it cut in work's time. The cheeky bugger was obviously looking for a fight because he said it doesn't all grow in work time, to which I replied, I'm not having it all cut off.

When I got back to work, I told the other guys in the joiners shop and they found it very amusing. Frank, one of the wags told me about the time when he went into a barbers shop for a haircut. Now, being rather thin on top and sporting a moustache he said to the barber after he had cut his little bit of hair, can you trim my moustache please. The barber said 'no, it's not on top of your head'. Frank duly put his head right back and looked up at the ceiling and replied 'it is now'

Brisbane: After Dark, August 2006

Temp today 30c, will somebody remind me that it's still Winter.

The sun went down behind Mt. Glorious two hours ago, it's after 7.30pm and here I am sitting outside next to the pool writing my blog. The warm weather has brought forward the plethora of insects that we get from living on acreage. I have put some jungle gel on my arms and legs for some protection and filled the citrus lamp with paraffin which is burning on the table top. Frogs are coming alive with their sound of mating but the cicada's won't be heard until it really warms up. The lights on the pool create an ambient lighting under the cloudless sky filled with stars. My music of choice is a Cafe-del-Mar double chill out album playing through the flyscreen from the media room next to me.

How far have we come in the last 10 years? I did have a computer way back then and felt like the man who owned the first color T.V in the street. The internet was in it's infancy and here I am today using wireless broadband on a laptop, sitting outdoors, listening to cool music, drinking beer and feeling really chilled out and the weekend has only just begun.

Can life get any better than this?

Last post I said that I was on a roll, so what's new? Well I sold two pools today and that brings my total to 4 pools in 6 days and that's worth £13000 in commission.
Not bad for a weeks work eh. When I was a carpenter I was lucky to make $1200, so If I don't sell another pool for a while it doesn't bother me as I have my garden to keep me out of trouble.

On a Roll

August is nearly over and things are hotting up in more ways than one. The overnight temp is warming up and the daytime temp is like living in paradise right now.

Last Saturday I sold my first swimming pool for the month of August and today I got a call from a lady who wants me build her a pool with an in-floor cleaning system. I am delighted to get this job because it means that I have broken into the local market and only have a 5 minute drive to work. If this job goes well then it will open doors for me and the recommendations will start to come in. The local pool shop is already handing out my business cards and yesterday I priced for a 9.0m x 4.0m pool in the village which is only 10 mins from home.

Watch this space..........

The Perfect Day

Today is Sunday and almost to an end. It started out with a beautiful warm morning, progressed to a lovely hot afternoon with blue skies and ended up with a mild evening. We had planned to spend the day together as a family(including the dog) and decided to drive to Sandgate on the Moreton Bay Coast. The tide was so far out it was hard to see the waves, the ground was dark in colour and completely rippled from the outgoing movement of the ocean. There were large holes everywhere dug by the many stingrays that inhabit the water and strangely so, they were like quicksand in the middle and the kids found it very amusing jumping in them and sinking up to their knees. Meanwhile, the dog thought he had died and gone to heaven, so many sticks, water and open space to run and burn off that excess energy which he has so much of.

We walked along the promenade for half an hour or so and left the girls in the playground to amuse themselves. Walking is boring for young girls so they stayed behind and we walked the dog for an hour. He must have covered ten times more ground than us with his constant game of fetching the stick and he never slowed down or tired of it. We looked at the houses along the sea front and commented on the way that they had been done up; for an area that once used to be very cheap it has sure gone ahead and become trendy and unafordable for the average person. I am going to look into finding a run down place to fix up and work out if it could be a good investment.

We set up camp next to the playground and found a table in the sun. I cooked a bbq lunch and Deb made the salad and prepared the table. A perfect meal for a perfect 27c sunny day with not a cloud in the sky. After lunch I lay down in the sun and fell asleep for a couple of hours whilst the girls played sand castles on the beach and the dog played at retrieving the frisbee. When I awoke the skin on my face was all tight and I realised that I had caught the sun. We packed up the car about 3.00pm and got an ice cream from the fish shop on the main drag then made our way back home. On the way we made a detour to drop in on a mate in Albany Creek. Unfortunately she was out so I let the girls have some more fun in the playground before my last port of call (the pub). We sat outside the Samford Pub on the balcony and had a few glasses of wine and watched the sleepy village grinding to a halt and the sun set behind Mt. Nebo. Life is really in the slow lane here and so relaxing that I can't imagine living anywhere else.

How To Stay Off The Grog Until Sunset

What another excellent day it was today. Woke up at 6.30am to the sound of three one week old chicks sitting on my 11 year old daughters arm. She brings her guinea pig in every morning to say hello and today the new additions to the family also.


It's middle of winter and there isn't a cloud in sight. Mornings are a bit warmer than last month and the morning mist sitting in the valley waiting for the morning sun to burn it off is clearly visible from my en-suite window.

The water pressure has dropped again and I can't have a shower just in case it goes altogether when I am covered in soap. We are not connected to the mains and rely on rain to keep the two 5000 gallon tanks holding enough water to keep us going until the next time it rains. Being in the middle of the longest drought in over 100 years doesn't help much so it's a good job that I have my own bore at the bottom of the hill. Alas, even that is dry this week as we eagerly await some more rainfall. It doesn't rain for weeks so we have to be careful how we use it. Anyway, I rang up the local rural plumber to come over and fix the drop in pressure. He said that he will come over tomorrow and take a look at it, in the meanwhile he gave me some instructions on how to prime the pump from scratch. It helped a little and will keep me going until he can fix the problem for good.

My mate Henrik who lives in London, was sitting up late last night as usual, so we chatted for an hour on Skype with the webcams. It's great to catch up with mates with the latest technology. I can hear and see him in real time and it is free, how many people take that for granted these days?

Had a few dramas on one of my jobs this morning. The bobcat that arrived to move my 3 cubic meters of 20mm gravel refused to go down the hill that I created for him so I had to send him home and arrange for one with tracks to go there tomorrow morning.
The hardware store wasn't too happy when I rang him to cancel the delivery of stones as the driver was just leaving the depot with my delivery. He called the driver back and told him to tip them out and deliver them again tomorrow at 7.30am. My labourer wasn't upset though, it's a public holiday here and everyone has the day off to visit the Ekka without having to ask the boss for permission. The Ekka is a big thing here and they get hundreds of thousands of visitors over the week or so that it runs for. I would compare it to a Royal Show in England with a fairground, it you have ever been to one..........

As I am not going to go to work today, then it's time to play catch-up in the garden.
Out came my new 18" chain saw and down came three 30m high slash pines. I cut them up ready to dispose of them when I can get my mates trailer back off him. Maybe I will let some of the logs dry out a bit and burn them, that is a sure fire way to piss off the invisible neighbour who writes nasty letters about my lovely fires and shoves them in my post box. One night I was laying down in the woods with 3 little fires going simultaneously, minding my own business whilst drinking my 4th stubby, when flashing lights woke me from my pleasant dream I was having under the full moon. It was the rural fire brigade on a training night, called out by the invisible neighbour who rang them with a warning that Dawsons Creek Rd was on fire.
Somebody doesn't like me and I can't imagine why.


Later on today I cleaned out the swimming pool and added some chemicals to kill the mustard algae. The roof temp was 36c today so I ran the solar heating for a couple of hours and planned to go for my first dip since Easter. Alas, I could only raise the temp from 16c to 18c and my nuts disappeared when they got wet.

Took the fork out and started digging to burn off some energy. It is something I do from time to time when the soil conditions are just right. When it is very wet the red soil sticks to my fork, when it is very dry I can't get the fork into the ground so today it is just right and I set to work getting rid of the weeds before they set seed and spread with the high winds that blow through the mountains every August.

As I watched the sun setting behind Mt. Glorious my body clock sounded an alarm and off I went into the kitchen for a nice cold beer.............. back to work tomorrow.