Samford Skirmish

Saturday 22 August
8:30am I am standing in a line waiting to collect my camouflage overalls and 400 rounds of ammo. The signed piece of paper in my hand that I am about to hand over clearly states that if I get injured during the course of the day then I can't sue the operators of Skirmish. Well, that isn't going to stop me from having some fun is it?
Two mates have their birthdays in the same week and invited about twenty others to join them on this fine sunny day in the middle of winter, and what could be nicer then blue skies and 30c? We had planned to play old v young and get into some serious rivalry however, three bucks parties turned up and umpteen others all with the same mindset, to kill someone.
The briefing was fast and concise with information overload, only the beginners like myself had to listen carefully, now what was that bit he said about giving someone within a 5m radius the opportunity to surrender, I don't think so. And something else about shooting the wildlife, surely there can't be any left this place has been here for years; off we went through the safety tunnel collecting our face mask and weapon into the unknown woods. Our group all collected black helmets as did many other players whilst the remainder collected green helmets, with so many people turning up the group was split into two teams of 65 a side. We had a few practice shots at the multi coloured targets and waited instructions. The first game was to attack and defend a fort, the attackers had to drag a bomb (45 gal drum) up to the perimeter of the fort to win. If attackers got hit they had to go back to the start line before returning to the game, defenders were out of the game if they got hit and had to sit in a group inside the fort. Towards the end of the game one of the nutters on our team stormed the fort and proceeded to shoot the hostages, don't remember anything about that in the briefing.
Game 2:
Two teams and three bases, both teams have to protect their flag and capture the opposing teams flag whilst fighting for possession of the empty base. Between the three bases are two lakes with a series of bridges linking the bases. When you get hit you have to run to a blue barrel and touch it to be back in the game; I twisted my ankle in this game and got shot by one of my own team whilst defending the bridge, this is a fun game and very tiring in the sun.
Game 3:
Similar to game two except the setting is in bushland and there is plenty of room for stalking and surprise attacks. Whilst hiding behind a screen waiting to ambush the other team, the chap next to me said that he wanted to get the man in the dress. Being a bucks day out the poor bugger getting married was dressed in a white nurses uniform with green vertical stripes, he had no protection on his bare legs and to make him more of a target they gave him a yellow helmet and tied two blue helium balloons to his shoulders. I spotted him hiding in the trees and pointed him out to my buddy whereupon he duly got up and ran after him never to be seen again. Getting very tired by now and need a drink.
Game 4:
It is set in a scrap yard of cars, caravans and a system of tunnels, when attackers are hit they return to the tunnel and start again. When defenders are hit they are out of the game, being the last game nobody wants to stop fighting and everyone wants to take back an empty gun.... the game is won when an attacker enters a tunnel and pulls on a rope releasing a smoke bomb. Everyone plays defend and attack during the day which means we played eight games in all. I highly recommend giving it a try, despite the twisted ankle and multiple bruising that I am still nursing.
http://www.skirmishsamford.com/fieldmap.html

Baby Cockie

Whilst pottering in the garden at the weekend, I heard a commotion amongst the Cockies which was unusually loud so off I went to investigate. One of the birds was casually waddling like they do in a pigeon fashion, amongst my citrus orchard. He wasn't very big and couldn't fly or walk properly and probably needed help so I went over to take a closer look. He saw me heading his way and made a mad dash for the boundary fence only to get caught up in it, being young,he was in a bit of a panic and tried to squeeze through the holes with his wings held high. I grabbed hold of his wings and held them down to prevent any injury to them and then remembered that they have beaks so strong that they can crack macadamia nuts open, it looked like the good Samaritan was about to become a victim. The little bugger grabbed my hand and started chewing it, thankfully I realised that he wasn't a threat but there was already enough blood drawn by now to drop him and run to the house for a towel. When I returned to where I last saw him, he was on top of the fence having climbed up using his beak and claws. I threw the towel over him and excitedly knocked on my front door. When the girls opened the door I said 'guess what I have in here?' The first guess was a hare and the second guess was a bird, damn these kids are quick.

The vet assured me that the bird had probably fallen from his nest before his feathers had all grown and asked if the parents were around, I said that they are both flying around squarking in the trees next door which was good as it meant that they hadn't abandoned the bird. The bird moved to a much larger tree and was still there last time I checked.

Gone Fishing

Work was so quiet that I just did the unthinkable and accepted an invitation to go sea fishing with a work colleague. I was so close to saying NO but after some cogitation I reneged on my initial thoughts and decided to try something new. Would you believe that a man of my age has never gone fishing? That's because I have never wanted to. There was one little irk, getting up at 4.00am is not my idea of fun; anyhow, I was parked up at the lighthouse in Cleveland at 6.00am, all set for the big day out. The first site of the day was outside the bay in 35m deep water; the sun was hardly over the horizon when we started fishing. Steve showed me how to tie the weight and hook onto the line, then he put a sardine on the hook for bait. I did the easy part and dropped the line into the water, counted to 10 and got a bite. I reeled in a 45cm long snapper in less time than It takes for me to have a dump. I put on some more bait and dropped the line back into the deep blue water; meanwhile Steve caught a 65cm snapper whilst Wayne couldn't catch a cold.

I have to keep reminding myself that we are in the middle of winter and I am out on the ocean wearing a tee shirt at 7.00am, the sky is blue the wind is calm and I have already caught my dinner.

The wind picked up and the boat started bobbing up and down like a turd in a piss pot. Steve said we should head for the bay as it is sheltered and safer. I reeled in the line and bugger me, there was another snapper on the hook. I was really happy now that I had two meals to take home for on the BBQ.

On the way back to inside the bay Wayne spotted spouts of water coming from whales on the north shore of Stradbroke Is. so we went to investigate. By the time we got to Flat Rock they had disappeared. We anchored up and tried our luck once again, we now had the pleasure of a dolphin keeping us company. Beginners luck for me as I didn't get a catch for the rest of the day, but I wasn't the only one and I didn't feel as bad as Wayne, everything he caught was under legal size and I swear that he caught the same fish three times.

We arrived at the yacht club by 11.00am and had a couple of beers under the Queensland sun, it was 27c, not a cloud in sight and the sound of flying foxes was heard all around us, something was spooking them as they are not normally active during the daylight hours.

After our liquid refreshment we chanced our luck fishing inside the bay, the only luck we had was bad luck, but not as bad as the turtle who copped it from a careless boat.

Steve contacted the Coast Guard who advised us to leave the turtle as it is illegal to take them (unless you are an Aborigine)

We explored the oyster beds on the sand banks at low tide and saw quite a few pelicans throughout the day. I also saw a fish eagle from time to time but no more fish.

I got into the car at 3.00pm and went back to work feeling very relaxed.

HMAS Brisbane

Wednesday 25 June 2008

I've been living in Queensland for 4 years now and haven't participated in my favourite pastime of scuba diving since moving to these shores; that was until yesterday, when I got my shit together and made a real effort to get back into it. Firstly, I have Deb to thank for buying me two dives as part of my birthday present back in January, otherwise I would still be procrastinating about how long it has been since I got narced. The dives were only valid for 6 months and I had forgotten all about them until last week and as I didn't want to waste the opportunity and work was quiet, I decided to go for it.

5.00am Dragged myself out of bed and packed up the essentials.

6.00am left for Mooloolaba on the Sunshine Coast.

7.20am Arrived at the dive shop.

8.30am Loaded up the boat and set off to the dive site.

I took my watch off and had no idea of time after that, but it did take about 30mins to arrive at the drop zone. We got ready to take the plunge into the cold water.

Dive I
43 mins bottom time
Max depth 24 m
Temp 22c

My 5mm wetsuit was a tight fit last time I wore it and now it's so tight that I started to hyperventilate for a while.

The instructor got me to brush up on my skills on the descent line by performing the mask clearing and mask removal test, followed by buddy breathing and reg recovery before starting the dive for real. I got my breathing under control and felt very relaxed as I tagged along with the lovely Cheryl. She took me on a guided tour of the outside of the ship but there wasn't much to see. Maybe I have done too many great dives in the Red Sea on wreck safaris but this ship was only sunk two years ago and it shows. The fish have moved in but there is no colour in barnacles and bi-valves. There isn't any sea weed or hard corals but the visibility was excellent, at least 30m which you would hope for this time of the year. The down side is that good visibility and cold water go together so it's a bit of a hard choice for me as I hate anything cold.

When I ascended from the ship and climbed on board the dive boat it was such a relief to feel the sun on me again. I ripped off my top half and soaked up some cancer rays. The swell of the ocean on such a small boat combined with the smell of neoprene in the back of my throat made me feel all queasy. I had never been sea sick in my life but right then was too close to comfort. Everyone was talking about taking motion sickness pills and telling the German lad not to look down. He felt the same or maybe worse than I but we held our heads up and our stomachs down for the whole one hour surface interval.

Dive No. II
43 mins bottom time
Max depth 25 m
Temp brrrrr

My dive buddy was a 57 year old lady whose husband served on the HMAS Brisbane and she was more than familiar with the layout after almost 20 dives to date. We were put together because we were both good with our air consumption.

Linda had a camera which meant that she was going to go slowly and keep stopping to take photos.

I like buddying up with photographers for this reason alone and she was great to follow around the many rooms.

I heard some divers tales when back on board but couldn't add anything exciting to the tales. My experience was only average but I did see some very large fish and some large shoals in a few of the rooms but nothing to write about. That doesn't mean that I won't do the dive again but it won't be for another few years. Firstly, I need a larger wetsuit and secondly much warmer water.

A Fair Dinkum Aussie

Thursday 8 May 2008

My time has arrived at long last to become an Australian citizen and part of this great country I have chosen to live in for the rest of my life.

So, off I drove to North Lakes with the wife and two kids to attend the Australian Citizenship Ceremony, along with 135 others from within the newly formed Moreton Bay regional council. Pine Rivers Shire, Redland Bay and Caboulture Shire have amalgamated into the second largest council in Australia and all the councillors were there to represent each seat.

Before the proceedings started at 7.00pm, I chatted with a couple from Redland Bay also taking the oath. He was Scottish and his wife was Welsh, they were retired and had lived in N.Z and S.A for the last 15 years but still held onto their strong accents. Danny also needed to hold onto his wig, it did look funny but I managed to keep a straight face whilst listening to his life story. He asked me where I was from and I told him Stafford originally then moved to London where I lived for 15 years. He said that he used to work at Cannock Colliery 20 years ago as an electrician, well can you imagine that? For those of you who don't know, Cannock is 10 mins drive from Stafford, O.K so it's a dump of a place, the houses are build like dominoes and are all subsiding from the many miles of shafts running underneath them, the people talk funny ar kid and Staffordians call them yam yams but it's still good to chat with somebody I have at least one thing in common with.

The Chief Executive called out the names alphabetically of all the people pledging an oath on the bible and they stood up first. I was beginning to think that I was the only heathen in the room as there must have been 120 people standing around me speaking in unison. Pledge 2 was much better, it left out the word God, thank God and I would have proudly stood alone if need be.

The Mayor, Allan Sutherland, handed out the certificates after we had all taken our pledge followed by a free tree handed to us by our local councillor. Mine is Bob Millar, a nice chap who speaks very well and stands tall, he shook my hand and said hello, I said that I can vote for you now that I am a citizen and he said not for another 4 years, that's when the next election will be held. Anyway Bob, I think we need to have a chat about stopping so many foreigners from entering into our country, was what I said. He had a good laugh and gave me a tree to plant. Cya down the pub, I said as I returned to my seat for the end of the ceremony.

We all sang the national anthem and took the oath again.

Zoe and Phoebe has been very well behaved all night despite being hungry, well weren't we all. A room full of people were heading for the tea and cakes in the foyer but I didn't want to eat like that and said let's get something on the way home. It was getting close to 8.45pm and every pub would have taken last orders in the kitchen by 8.30pm, the restaurants open were not going to cater for our girls, I refused to eat at MacDonald or any other junk food drive in fast food chain. We decided to order a pizza and collect it from the village on the way through, they were closed, the fish and chip shop was closed as was anywhere and everywhere in bloody Queensland after dark. Where do all the dope heads go when they get the munchies? The only place open in Samford Village was the Thai take away and the 24hr Caltex. I thought about it and said to Deb, shall we have a great Aussie meal tonight and she agreed for once.

The meat pies were great!

A night to remember.

Love Walk

If a picture paints a thousand words, what does this one say?

No serendipity here, when I saw Love Walk my mind started working overtime, it reminded me of Mincing Lane in EC1 and I wonder how many people walk past this scene every day and don't question the time restrictions in the controlled Zone L (for love), the camera's waiting to capture a knee trembler in the alley after dark already on it's way to the internet at 54.0Mbps and don't forget the phallic road sign indicating that you can only go so deep, I mean far, until you reach a dead end.

And for those into BDSM, willow is used for ass whipping submissive slaves.

Nobody said life was easy, us artists are all troubled deep down but we wouldn't have it any other way.

F***ing Good Wine

Now here's an honest Vintner selling his vino collapso in the old Borough Market in London.

A Posthumous Seat

Whilst walking through Dulwich Park on a lovely sunny day, my photographers eye squinted and saw the potential in this place to rest one's weary feet and feed the ducks, all I simply had to do was change the 'B' to a 'P' in Photoshop..........ha ha ha he he he, who's the prick now *)

The Actor

I received an enquiry from a bloke who wants a quote to build a swimming pool, nothing unusual in itself but he lives in the arsehole of nowhere about 50 klms from my place and I wasn't in the mood to go bush at the drop of a hat so I made out that my diary was so full that the week after next would be the earliest that I could get to him.

We exchanged email and contact details and I waited at home for a week with bugger all to do. When the time came I rang him first to make sure that he was at home and hadn't forgotten our appointment because two weeks ago I got my first 'no show' and was very angry to say the least. Anyway, he was home so I set off on the scenic route via the countryside to miss the traffic jams and school run, don't you just love it when the kids are on holiday and the roads are clear of all those overweight mums taking their offspring to school in the Chelsea tractor, I think kids should start school at 10.00am to stagger the road congestion.

Found the road but the numbers were all mixed up with odds and evens on both sides of the road, rang up my appointment and got the voicemail on his mobile phone so I stopped an old chap walking his dog and quizzed him to confirm if it was me or the town planners that are stupid, well he had about as much savvy as the man on the bloody moon and I detected an English accent which reminded me of the country folk back home, you know what I mean, the light's on but nobody is at home. I did a U turn and found the house quite easily once I looked on the other side of the road.

This middle aged bloke came out to greet me in his old clothes and introduced himself, we shook hands and I followed him into the back yard to look at where he wanted to build a swimming pool. He looked at me and said 'I saw the way you looked at me and I am not rich if that's what you are thinking, just because I am an actor everyone who comes out here thinks that I have lots of money'. Now this took me by surprise because I didn't have a clue who he was and told him so, to which he replied, I'm on McClouds Daughters on T.V and was in the film Wolf Creek. I said don't worry mate, I don't watch soap opera's or go to the movies and I am not an autograph hunter either. Must have upset him slightly because he told me that the show he is in isn't a soap opera but a drama. As far as I'm concerned it's the same shit, different pile so we moved on to talking about his pool.

He told me not to charge him more than $50,000 and then proceeded to tell me that it has to be 15 long lagoon style pool with rocks around the waterline etc. I said that my prices are the same for everyone and actors don't get treated any different from the rest. We talked about the problem with all the trees surrounding the pool and I advised him to cut a lot of them down to let in some light and reduce the amount of leaves from ending up in the water, to which he replied, 'I hate cutting down trees'. I agreed with him truthfully then reminded him that these trees will only grow to drop branches and the roots will get damaged in the excavation which could cause them to die of shock. Better to cut them down and plant some rainforest species in place of the spindly gums, but hey, what the hell does an Englishman know about Australian trees, here stands before me the man who used to host Better Homes and Gardens up until 1996. Sorry mate, I still don't recognise you was living in the UK until 2004 and if you are so good at building houses and timber decks when you aren't acting..........what do you need me for? why don't you build your own pool ( is what I felt like saying but instead I just put the price up in my mind by $2000)

We laughed and joked, exchanged ideas and I quizzed him some more. When he told me that he has had 7 people before me to quote, alarm bells started ringing and I asked him what was wrong with them. He said that they didn't have any vision, couldn't think laterally and were wanting to charge him more because they thought that he could afford it. Time for me to bow out gracefully and warn him that he wants a lot of pool for $50k.

Watch this space......

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0418877/

Here's One I Did Earlier

This is what all that hard work is for, to be able to relax at the weekend and feel like you are on holiday.

Aussie No Rules

Whilst watching a game of AFL on t.v the other night, I have to say that the game is confusing to us newcomers after supporting the game of football and rugby. It's the scoring process that doesn't make sense; for example, why have four posts? surely the two big mothers in the middle are a large enough target to kick at from any distance! This is the only game that has 4 goal posts and you score 6 points for a goal but if you miss the target and get it between the outside posts you score 1 point and call it a 'behind', if you kick the ball and it hits the centre posts then bounces back into the oval you still get 1 point and call it a 'behind' I wonder if it's name has anything to do with the arses who can't kick straight.

One more observation, correct me if i'm wrong but surely the closer you can get to the posts the more chance you have of kicking between them, so why do the players take a 'mark' and instead of kick for goal they start running backwards away from the target! Maybe the game was invented by Irish descendents after a few pints of beer!

Drained

The fish pond was looking a little low last week so I decided to top it up from the rainwater tank next to the garage. The tank didn't have much water and gravity only managed to add a few drops before the level in the tank equalled the level in the pond. I noticed the next day that the tap was dripping so I disconnected the hose and turned off the valve to prevent the tank from draining dry.

Saturday morning we were rushing out of the house to take Phoebe to her netball game and Deb said that I had better take a look at my pond. The rocks that made up my water feature had toppled over during the strong winds earlier in the week and I hadn't found time to climb into the cold water to stand them back up, but that was the least of my worries, the water level had dropped at least 600mm which equates to loosing about 6000L overnight. My guess was that the rocks had punctured the pond liner and it wouldn't take long for the rest of the water to drain from the pond. There must be about 30 large goldfish and dozens of native sword tails all in need of rescue. The pond was ruined and needed rebuilding from scratch but first I needed to get a new liner. I couldn't imagine mending a pond liner successfully so I headed off on a 90 min round trip to buy a new one. The shop owner was very helpful and even gave me some weed suppressor mat to line the floor and prevent future tears. I stopped at the pet store on the way to buy a small net to catch the little fish then returned home dreading the task ahead and planning what to do first. As I didn't have anything to put the fish in the only container large enough was a water butt full of dirty green water which I emptied onto the compost heap and scrubbed out with fresh water. I noticed a large puddle of water next to the rainwater tank and thought that the tank was leaking, then I realised that the hose was sitting in the middle of the puddle; what a Wally I had been, when I removed the hosepipe from the tank and laid it down the hose was full of water and must have created a syphon.

Good news was that I didn't have to move the fish, empty the pond, remove the 100mm of sand and numerous rocks from the floor, replant the Lillis, fit the rip-stop weed suppressor and start all over. The bad news was that I missed my daughter winning man of the match, drove for 90 minutes for nothing and spent $230 for a pond liner that I didn't need.

I cleaned the pond, back washed the filter, moved the surface skimmer away from the Lillie pads, moved the rocks forming the water feature and set them up in my other fish pond. I created a shelf for some new marginals, moved the Lotus flowers, tidied up the papyrus and refilled the pond. It's better than before and the shop didn't mind refunding me for the unused pond liner so it all worked out for the best.

The Bike Ride in Mt. Glorious

I've been so busy in my work recently that I haven't put any time aside for myself until this week because I am having a quite time at work. It's the lull after the storm so to speak. Anyway, we haven't had any rain for weeks and the ground is rock hard so I can't pursue my favourite pastime of gardening so I decided to pump up the tyres on my mountain bike and take myself for a ride through the forest. The weight has been gradually going in the wrong direction so this will help me to get back into those tight Levis and make me feel better.

I am surrounded by mountains (hills if you live in Europe) which are so close to my house that I only ever drive through them or go on the occasional rain forest walk at the summit, so today it was time to go exploring. I set off alone at midday with 1 Litre of water, a mobile phone and a pair of gloves to my name. With hindsight that was pretty stupid as I will explain. The track started with a choice of directions, right or left, I chose left which took me through a metal gate and next to it was a sign on a tree warning trespassers to keep out, after a nanosecond I chose to continue on up the hill. The hill was so steep that I had to carry my bike over loose rocks with my cycle shoes slipping on the unstable ground. This was going to be a challenge for me, I haven't had my arse in a saddle for months and only then was it with the kids on the flat. Would my dodgy knee hold out? Don't know about that but I was puffing and panting and drinking water just to lubricate my throat so that I could get some air into my lungs. Water is not my favourite drink unless it has been fermented so I figured that one bottle would be enough to get me by for a couple of hours. Well this bloody track leveled out to about a 15% gradient so I got back on my trusted steed and continued in the lowest gear, for at least 50m. That was about as far as anyone could go without falling off. I looked at my watch and had been going uphill for 50 mins and had covered 3 miles, how disheartening is that?

When I reached the rain forest I thought that I was at the summit of Mt. Glorious, the path levelled out and I started to enjoy the ride, for about 5 mins that is and promptly got off to push the bike up another bloody steep hill. The ride was like this for ages until I reached the top of a hill then it got easier. I discovered an abandoned house with only the timber posts and roof members still in place, how I would love to renovate this place and use it for a weekend retreat. I plodded on and headed down hill very quickly, now the fun was starting, the wind in my face cooling down my hot body and making me feel alive. Bell birds were all around making their distinctive vitriolical sound that echoes all around, you very rarely see them, in fact until today I hadn't ever seen them. No people around to ask directions of, checked my mobile phone and no signal either, checked my water bottle and it was half full (notice I didn't say half empty). Well this cycling was fun but I had to keep my wits about me because if I got lost then I had to be able to backtrack, many a hiker has left the main track and got lost and I didn't need the embarrassment of a search party looking for me. When the sun sets up here you can't see your hand in front of your face it is so dark, the temp is usually 8c cooler up here than at our house and I didn't fancy sleeping under trees with ants and no blanket. Plodding on, I came to a choice of left or right again and went right, a bit further on was the same so I went right and made sure to look behind me so that I could recognise the turn if I had to back track. The trail started going uphill again and I was hoping that this route would take me down to the main road but I worked out that I was following a fire trail along the top of a ridge but had no idea which one. It was my first time up there all alone and I didn't want any trouble so I decided to go for 5 more mins then turn around. I saw a car wheel and tyre on the side of the track and thought that's weird, looked up and saw the abandoned building again and made a sigh of relief that I wasn't lost. It was 2 hrs since leaving home and it gets dark at 5.30pm so I wasn't taking any chances. I remember approaching the building with it on my left side so I rode out with it on my right shoulder and headed down hill. I was enjoying the path and was so enthralled that I came to a gate and it wasn't one that I had seen already which means that I have just rode all the way down this hill for nothing. So, I rode all the way back to the top and searched for the right track but to no avail. Bollocks I thought to myself, I am going back down the hill again and through the gate, it has to lead somewhere. I was puzzled as to where the track had disappeared to so I rode slowly and checked every fire trail until I came to the gate again. Through the gate I went and started a long slow climb up yet another hill, by now my legs were aching and I was down to my last drop of water. Looking over my left shoulder through the trees I saw Samford Valley and realised where I was, totally lost, my brain was expecting to see the Valley over my right side and I rationalised the situation. It wasn't long before I found a house in the forest and the start of a bitumen road, but which road? All I thought is why is it such a bloody steep hill, haven't my legs done enough for one day? I checked my mileometer and had covered 9 miles in 2 and a half hours without stopping. I recognised the road and plodded up it in first gear, that's how steep it was, until i reached the summit of Mt. Glorious 550m above sea level.

Now it's downhill all the way home, yippee came out of my mouth as the speedo picked up, I was going at 40mph and the hill was fast, so fast that the first turn I almost killed myself. The nobly tyres were causing my back wheel to wobble and my brakes were both giving out a high pitch squealing sound, the wheels locked up and I was skidding downhill at 40mph on the wrong side of the road. It was a good job no other cars were on the road today as I hit the next bend at 30mph on the wrong side of the road. The road got steeper and I couldn't stop, the rubber was seriously getting left on the road and the road sign was warning not to take the next bend at more than 20kph. Oh fuck, I forgot my pedo was in mph and the road signs are in kph and I have only just realised as I am writing this waffle as I sit here in the comfort of my office. By the time I arrived home there was one last very steep hill to conquer, my drive, and that just about wiped me out but I managed it. I went directly to the fridge and grabbed a cold beer and collapsed on the bench next to my fish pond in the front garden.

Those last 6 miles flew so quickly compared to the first 9 and I can't wait to go riding again soon.

The Latest Addition To The Family

Today, we just added two more mouths (beaks) to feed. The kids have got Guinea Pigs, the wife has got half a dozen chooks and I have got umpteen fish in my aquarium and fish pond, but you can't hold fish...

The girls went and picked two ducklings which were supposed to be for me but kids being kids they wanted to name them and claim them. They are real cute and deserve proper names but my youngest daughter insisted on calling my lovely duck 'Quackers'. Now don't get me wrong, it's not a bad name but it has been used before and certainly lacks originality. I suggested that we call them Salt and Pepper because of their colour (the yellow one will grow up to be white and the other one will be brown), so now we have Quackers and Pepper which doesn't sound right to me.

The dog loves them and can't stop staring at them, he puts his nose an inch from their beaks and dribbles all the time, he is one strange dog but in his mind he is guarding them from danger and neither jealous or posessive.

Give This Man A Real Job

Picture the scene....

....You are walking down the street in Camberwell, minding your own business at 10.00am on a February morning..........suddenly a bizarre image confronts you in the front window of the local gallery. Sitting in a bath tub full of baked beans, with a pound of sausages on top of his head and a couple of real thick cut chips up his nose is Mark McGowan; obviously another troubled artist who can't get a real job and conform to what society expects from us. Is this live installation really going to pay the bills and feed the kids!!!
What surprised me more than anything was the shit that came out of this guys mouth as I interivewed him with my camera. His protest was about the great british breakfast and it's decline. I say fuck off the fat and get fit, don't just sit there whingeing in a silent protest besides it's only half a breakfast innit? You know what I mean like? Where are the eggs, bacon, fried bread and black pudding? Surely a working class artist/man knows that a breakfast is more than just sausage, chips and beans!!!

Anyway, I took some great photos of him with my Mamiya RZ67 and went back to the gallery 3 times to give him a copy. Each time I went there he was not there, he didn't finish his sit in protest like he promised and gave some lame excuse about being cold and sick, well what do you expect in Feb? He should be living in Queensland like me if he can't stand the cold and not sitting on his fat arse whingeing for a living.

http://clublet.com/c/c/house?page=MarkMcGowanInterview

A True Angel

My fish has been behaving rather strange these last few weeks swimming on her side and upside down. Today she finally sank to the bottom of the aquarium and became an Angel in the other sense of the word. Before she got recycled, I immortalised her with my digital camera. The moment she landed on top of the compost heap, I realised that she was still in art form and concsiously tried to capture her personality for the first and last time.

R.I.P under a tree.

All In A Day's Work

Stage 1: The set out

This is where I spray yellow paint all over your back lawn and you ask me to move it ten times so that we get so confused that we end up digging the hole in the wrong place.

Stage 2: The dig

We roll up with a 5 ton digger, scrape off all the yellow paint and find rock. We use mini tippers because they can access dump sites that the big trucks can’t. Problem is that they are only good for doing wheel spins after it’s been raining. It’s always a good idea to have the client remove any trees from within the pool area, unless it is a swamp cypress or paper bark gum as they grow very well in water and would certainly add some interest.



Stage 3: Form the steel cage



Take approx 120 @ 9.0m long steel bars and bend them to fit the big hole that we have just dug. Or ask the excavator operator to drag them uphill for about 20m and you end up with the same thing. Tie them all together and fingers crossed it doesn’t rain before the walls collapse.

Stage 4: Pre plumb the pool




Take a few lengths of class 9 p.v.c pipe and glue half of the joints just to be sure that the leaking salt water takes effect 6 months before the warranty expires on the pool shell. Make sure that the lights are all at different heights so that you get an uneven illumination at night and put the skimmer box in crooked to piss off the tiler and make sure that the return line is where you planned to put the entry step to the pool

Stage 5: The Inspection

We tell the structural engineer to come and inspect the pool the day after we have sprayed the concrete.

Stage 6: Spray the concrete



Order the concrete and pump for a 7.00am start and fingers crossed that they arrive before lunchtime the next day. Chances are that if they do arrive on time then the concrete will be too sloppy, too dry or too lumpy to work with. Ask the Sprayer to put all of the concrete into one corner for a laugh. If he refuses then remind him that he did on the last job and the shell collapsed.



Stage 7: Tile the coping

Order the tiles about one month before you need them and be prepared to be told that the shipment still hasn’t cleared customs. When they do arrive you count them and find that there are twice as many pieces as you ordered although the correct number were dispatched. Ring the supplier and tell them that two halves do not equal one whole.

Stage 8: Install pool equipment

The plumber said that he would be there today, what he should have said was ‘one day’.
The concrete slab is only big enough for the sand filter and there’s no room for the pumps.

Stage 9: Install the pool fence

Big fuckin’ headache getting this stuff certified, I always try to get the client to do their own and tell them that they can save some money. It’s a great way to stall finishing the pool on time and you tell them that they are holding YOU up.

Stage 10: Certifiers Inspection

This is when the Certifier tells us that the boundary fence isn’t high enough, the pool fence is too close to the water, there isn’t enough area for resuscitation, the fence isn’t splash proof, the vertical timbers are too far apart, the horizontal timbers are too close together and he doesn’t care who gets sued so long as it isn’t him.

Stage 11: Pool interior



If it’s Quartzon you choose then expect calcium deposits to make it look blotchy and dull. If you decide to go with pebblecrete then don’t complain when you get cuts and scratches.
If you fully tile your pool then don’t whinge that you can’t afford a holiday for the next 10 years.



Stage 12: Fill the pool

Choice of two ways to fill your pool; either put a hose pipe in for a couple of days or get water trucks to carry it in but whatever you do, don’t turn off the tap at night because it is noisy like the owner of this pool did…………..he now has a lovely plimsole line half way up the wall.

Stage 13: Get Wet and have fun

Stage 14: Maintenance

Pretend that you’re back at school in the chemistry class, you’re learning all about pH control, salinity, phosphorous and trace element content, chlorine sanitisation, cyanuric acid, sodium bicarbonate, and how to manually brush a pool.

Solar Powered

You only have to mention the word 'rain' and they come to a grinding halt.

At 6.00am I got a call from Rick who I am paying to dig a fuckin' big hole today and the conversation goes something like this.

Rick: 'What's the weather like where you are?'

Me: 'Dry'

Rick: 'It's been raining all week and I don't know if I can dig in this weather, it was dry yesterday morning at this time and we ended up having showers on and off all day'

Me: Well, I'm up for it if you are'

Rick: 'How steep is the access to the site?'

Me: 'Steep'

Rick: 'We might have a problem driving onto the site if it is wet and we can't dump the soil in this weather because the mini tippers can't get up the hill in the wet'

Bla bla bla bla....................

this conversation went on for ten minutes and I am looking at blue skies and thinking to myself, why don't you just give it a try and if you can't do the job, go home.

Fact: It has been raining all week

Another fact: Today it isn't

I know, lets get up early and make up an excuse to stay at home and earn no money, or we could go back to one of the 5 jobs that we have half finished this week and move some soil.

No, I like the sound of the first option.

If you miss your slot for digging then you get put back for one week, so my pool will get dug next week instead. Oh, by the way I forgot to mention, I have sold 4 pools this week and arranged for Rick to dig one every Friday for the next month. Roughly translated into pool builder's terms, it means that every pool gets pushed back one week. I don't let one person down but everyone in the chain. As I am selling more pools, I need a contingency plan and find someone else to dig for me.

Rick makes one phone call to cancel and I have to ring Mesh & Bar who are delivering the steel to cancel, the plumbing supplies to cancel and the boxer and steeler to let him know that I don't need him on monday then ring the client to give her an update. When Rick tells me that he can dig my pool I have to make another half a dozen calls out of necessity to get back on track.

This doesn't happen when it is sunny so I have come to the conclusion that Queenslanders are solar powered and can't cope with rain.

They have a lot to learn from the motherland.

The Haircut

Today, I went to get the hair cut (as they would say in Ireland) Why is today so different from any other haircut day? Well let me tell you. Everything started out as usual, make an appointment, turn up on time, wait for ages, then get asked to go and get your hair washed at the sink. Only thing that was different today was the junior who drew the short straw and got the lovely job of washing the hair of every total stranger who came in the salon. Does this dialogue ring a bell; 'Hello sir, is the water warm enough' no it's fucking freezing. Don't know why they ask you because by the time the girl has got halfway through washing your hair it's too hot. Then after you've had the shampoo, 'would you like conditioner sir?' to which I replied 'does my hair need it?'
She said 'only on the ends'
I said 'don't bother then, I am going to get them cut off in in a minute'

She doesn't even smile, meanwhile, I am splitting my sides laughing to myself and my mind starts wandering......

......when I was working for the local council years ago, I decided one day to go to the barber and get my hair cut. It was just after lunchtime when I sat in the chair and told the barber how short I wanted it cut. I looked around the salon and bugger me, there was the Chief Executive of Stafford Borough Council sitting in the chair next to me. I nodded to him and he nodded back as we knew each other, then he had the audacity to ask me what I was doing in the barbers shop in the middle of the afternoon. I told him that I was getting my hair cut and he said I can see that but you are getting it cut in work's time. I thought, that's a bit rich coming from you mate as we are both in work's time so I said that it grows in work's time so I am getting it cut in work's time. The cheeky bugger was obviously looking for a fight because he said it doesn't all grow in work time, to which I replied, I'm not having it all cut off.

When I got back to work, I told the other guys in the joiners shop and they found it very amusing. Frank, one of the wags told me about the time when he went into a barbers shop for a haircut. Now, being rather thin on top and sporting a moustache he said to the barber after he had cut his little bit of hair, can you trim my moustache please. The barber said 'no, it's not on top of your head'. Frank duly put his head right back and looked up at the ceiling and replied 'it is now'

Brisbane: After Dark, August 2006

Temp today 30c, will somebody remind me that it's still Winter.

The sun went down behind Mt. Glorious two hours ago, it's after 7.30pm and here I am sitting outside next to the pool writing my blog. The warm weather has brought forward the plethora of insects that we get from living on acreage. I have put some jungle gel on my arms and legs for some protection and filled the citrus lamp with paraffin which is burning on the table top. Frogs are coming alive with their sound of mating but the cicada's won't be heard until it really warms up. The lights on the pool create an ambient lighting under the cloudless sky filled with stars. My music of choice is a Cafe-del-Mar double chill out album playing through the flyscreen from the media room next to me.

How far have we come in the last 10 years? I did have a computer way back then and felt like the man who owned the first color T.V in the street. The internet was in it's infancy and here I am today using wireless broadband on a laptop, sitting outdoors, listening to cool music, drinking beer and feeling really chilled out and the weekend has only just begun.

Can life get any better than this?